The Hairless Ape

I am glad Greensboro voters approved the $20M bond referendum for improvements to the Natural Science Center. Perhaps some of those funds can be put aside for development of a large cage exhibiting Guilford County’s indigenous ape, otherwise known as dumbo sapiens.

The Hairless Ape of Guilford County can be found in the Adams Farm area selling furniture by day and seeking to have his picture taken at night. It frequents local restaurants for lunch and enjoys hanging out with other dumb Republicans. Unfortunately, it becomes excitable during elections and is known to create havoc at polling places and on his quaint blog, where he approximates human prose at a remarkable level.

Dumbo sapiens is a valuable natural resource and should not be subjected to the laws of Darwin by being allowed to roam free, where any number of accidents might befall him. I suggest that effort be made at the earliest possible moment to capture this wonderfully rare creature with a big net and a plate of tacos, rendering him safely to an enclosure constructed for his benefit.

An unintended result of said capture and sequestration would be imminently safer and more fair elections. Also, local school children will enjoy watching the creature scratch himself and mimic human thought and actions. Sadly, his life-long exposure to our kind has caused instinctive behavior to become completely sublimated. Perhaps, after a long period left to his own devices, he may revert to natural behavior, whatever that may be.

Remarkably, a female of his kind yet exists locally in the wild. Unfortunately, she is married to a Senator and thus unavailable for breeding. Perhaps Sarah Palin can be secured for a visit to guarantee the survival of the species.

Sadly, an older female failed to gain re-election to City Council. Being too old to breed, she claims to be writing a book. That’s amazing in that no one thought her capable of reading one.